Well I have officially made it back from India. This summer
I spent five weeks there and it was an amazing trip. This year was very
different from my time there last year. It some ways it was so easy to be back
and in so many other ways it more challenging than all of my time last year.
Last year I prayed “God break my heart for what breaks
yours”. He did. I learned that that prayer is a dangerous one. God began slowly
breaking my heart for the people of India. When I first prayed this I expected
to feel sad for the circumstances, to feel helpless to change things, to feel
pity for the people. But as God so often does He shattered my very human
expectations reminding me that the things that break His heart are not only the
physical but so much deeper. He slowly taught me that He sees beyond the
circumstances to the person. Slowly me heart was broken for the people in a new
way that I didn’t understand. I learned to look at them and see beyond the
poverty and sadness from the physical need to the emotional and spiritual
needs. Last year God blessed me by allowing me a glimpse of His heart for the
people I was living with and surrounded by.
This year going back I knew it would be different. I didn’t
know how just that it would. I felt I was going home, like I have two homes
(America and India) but I felt that last year I’d left my heart in India and I
needed to go back and get it. Let me assure you, God did not answer give in to
that expectation either as I did not go and get my heart back. Instead I gave
it to God to use and shape and mold into how He wanted. He changed my heart and
my desires and my ideas so much I can’t even explain; but I will do my best to
do just that.
So what happened this year?
Well I already knew everyone, except the 11 new kids which I
very quickly got to know since they already seemed to know me. But their
presence meant it was different. Within the first couple of days I noticed
changes within the kids since last year. Not only did I notice changes but I
actually knew the kids well enough to be able to ask about the changes and
discuss them. Some of these changes were simply growing up and maturing. Then
there were other changes that went much deeper than just growing up. So the
more I prayed about which relationships and conversations to pursue the more I
felt God saying He was going to “break my heart and open my eyes to see how He
sees” even more. The more I spoke to the kids the more I realized I only saw
the surface level of their deeper pain. Yes, I saw past most of the physical
poverty but I had thought I understood how these kids were doing and what their
pain and sadness came. For the most part, I was very wrong.
This year God blessed me in more ways than I can count. He
opened doors for conversations that these kids had never had before but so
desperately wanted to. He allowed me to walk alongside crying and broken
children and staff and point them to Him. He gave me words to say in
conversations that were so heart breaking I had no response. He gave me
questions to ask and strength to be present with the kids as they processed and
shared things. He gave me a new sense of my complete inadequacy to deal with
any of this without Him. But even greater He allowed me to be present with the
kids and witness His amazing healing ability. As I sat silently and prayerfully
with the kids I was able to witness His always present, always willing and
always powerful ability to heal and comfort. He taught me that yes His heart
breaks for the people of India who have so much need. He weeps for the lost and
lonely who have no hope. They have no hope because they do not know Him. He
also taught me that I, and everyone else, has a bigger role to play. No, we
cannot heal the wounds which have been so deeply cut into so many lives, but we
can point those people to Christ. We can talk to them, get to know them, pray
with them and guide them to a place of seeking healing rather than a place of
needing another mask to cover their wounds.
So what does this mean now? Well I thought it meant I would
be different. And I am, as in I want to make myself more aware of how God wants
to use me. I want to be more available to others and more geared to point to
Jesus. But also I’m not different. I still get angry, I’m still frustrated over
not understanding everything. My time in India is amazing and I know God has a
plan for me there. I also know I want to surrender to myself to God daily,
moment by moment to be made more like Jesus and more aware of God’s guidance
and presence. So I know this isn’t much of an update on Little Flock or my trip
as far as what I specifically did. But this is what’s on my heart. This is what
God has been teaching me and how He has been preparing me to serve Him in the
future.
I also plan to continue updating this somewhat regularly even
while in the states with updates on what’s next for me and for Little Flock.
Also if you’ve read this far I truly thank you for your willingness to read my
very very long thoughts. J
